Q ~ ” My husband and I are happily married, but I am not happy with our sex life. I would like to be intimate more often and expand things a little. He seems perfectly happy. I don’t want to upset him, and I am embarrassed but I feel frustrated” Cathy 48 yrs

A ~

Dear Cathy,

First of all, it’s important to know you are not alone. It is very common for partners to have different levels of interest in sex, as well as, a wide range of what they are specifically open to trying. I would also like to compliment you on honouring your own desires by articulating what you want and need. It may not seem like it, but believe me it’s a big step just to type it out.

And now you need to be able to communicate this to your husband. Your instincts are wise about not wanting to upset him. Our sexual ego is generally very fragile and the delivery of intimate feedback is important. What we want to avoid at all costs is language or approach that feels judging or negative. The good news is you have a common goal and that is to have fantastic sex. And that is what you have to focus on.

I would suggest the following plan of action:

The next time you have sex, make a point to honestly compliment him on what you like – in particular anything that is moving closer to what you might want to explore. Be authentic but let him know how much you are enjoying yourself.

Pick up a book of erotica that depicts some of the things you are interested in and keep it by the bed. Use it as your nighttime reading and when you find a story that speaks to you, share it with him. It might only be a small section or it may be a whole story. Let him know that it turns you on, and that it might even be something you would like to try with him. At first keep it light but then as time goes on you can let him know you are serious.

Depending on how vocal you are in bed now you could share some of your fantasies during sex and see how he responds. Not everyone does well with this, but when it works it’s a great way to open up each others minds. You can also find a time when you are relaxed and feeling connected and say something like  “I was watching this program.. or a read this article about ….. and I was surprised how much it turned me on”  This way you are owning it, attaching your arousal and not pressuring him. This should open up the lines of communication.

Whatever you do, do not blame, judge, or get angry with him. Keep it light, fun and focused on your desires.

If you try the above and are still feeling frustrated, consider a sex or relationship coach to help you navigate the way, because having fantastic sex is your common goal, even if he doesn’t know it!




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